A Gentle Guide to Supporting a Friend or Loved One with Dementia

Caring for someone living with dementia invites us to slow down, to listen differently, and to meet them where they are in each moment. It can be a tender, sometimes challenging journey, but one where simple kindness and quiet presence mean everything.

It’s often kinder to stay in the here and now. Rather than asking, “Do you remember when…?”, which might cause confusion or sadness, focus on what you’re both experiencing in the present. Perhaps it’s a favourite piece of music playing softly in the background, the comforting warmth of a cup of tea, or the way sunlight dances through the window. These shared, peaceful moments can offer reassurance and connection without needing words from the past.

When speaking, choose clear, simple language delivered in a calm and gentle tone. Give your loved one plenty of time to respond — there’s no need to rush. Often, it’s not just the words we use, but the way we say them that carries the most meaning. A reassuring voice can bring a sense of safety and ease, even when conversation feels difficult.

Listen not only to the words, but to the feelings behind them. A story might not make sense, or it might seem jumbled or misplaced in time, but the emotions are very real. Acknowledge what they’re expressing with kindness. You might say something like, “That sounds like it made you happy,” or “I can see that’s worrying you.” It helps them feel understood and cared for, even when memories are unclear.

There may be times when they ask for someone long gone — a mother, father, or childhood friend. This is often less about memory and more about a longing for comfort or security. Instead of correcting them, gently offer reassurance. You could say, “You’re safe here. I’m right here with you.” A simple, steady presence can ease those unsettled feelings.

Pay attention to what surrounds them. Certain sounds, smells, or situations can feel overwhelming or disorientating. Notice what seems to bring calm or, conversely, what might cause distress. When possible, gently adjust the environment to soothe and reassure. A quiet room, soft lighting, or familiar music can make a world of difference.

It’s also important to be mindful of changes in their alertness or behaviour. If your loved one seems unusually sleepy, restless, or simply not quite themselves, it could be a sign that something is wrong — perhaps pain, discomfort, or an infection. Because dementia can make it difficult for them to explain how they’re feeling, trust your instincts and don’t hesitate to seek medical advice if you sense something’s amiss.

Pain and discomfort aren’t always spoken. Watch for quieter signals: a frown, fidgeting hands, changes in appetite, or sudden withdrawal. These small shifts in behaviour might be their way of communicating something they can no longer express with words.

Remember too that comfort often comes through the simplest of gestures. A gentle hand to hold, a cherished photograph, a familiar tune — these small, thoughtful acts can bridge gaps where conversation can’t always reach. Even when words fail, love and presence remain.

And finally, don’t forget to be kind to yourself. This path asks much of you — of your heart, your patience, and your resilience. Take time to rest when you can. Lean on others for support. Every kind word you speak, every patient moment you offer, every gentle smile you share matters deeply. You are making a difference, even on the days that feel heavy.

You are not alone in this, and neither is your loved one.